Livid Ghost of Herve Villechaize Plagues
Production of The New Fantasy Island

08.11.98 - LOS ANGELES, CA - Wielding a Ouija board and a prayer, producers of The New Fantasy Island today launched a last-ditch effort to appease the tortured soul of suicide-felled pituitary dwarf Herve Villechaize. The spirit of the beloved star, best known for his trademark plaintive cry, "De Plane! De Plane!," has reportedly been busy on the set of the soon to be reincarnated prime-time drama, wreaking a unique brand of pint-sized supernatural havoc which has brought production to a grinding halt.

Recent weeks have seen Mr. Villechaize's tuxedo-clad visage on the set on twelve separate occasions, where he has terrorized cast and crew alike. Victim accounts have been disturbing and consistent. Wardrobe person Carol Sherwood's story was like most. "So I'm like ironing this thong for David Cassidy's love scene, and I hear this like scratchy voice going 'Tattoooo! Where is Tattoooo?' So I'm all, 'Like what is that?' when I see him. He's all like floating and pointing this little finger at me, like a little piece of a hot dog or something, and I'm all like 'Like, Vile!' Then he starts like eating this Boston Kreme Cruller, not even closing his mouth to chew, then like spits it all over my hair!"

In the original Fantasy Island (ABC, 1978-1984), Mr. Villechaize portrayed Tattoo, eunuch personal assistant to Mr. Roarke (Ricardo Montalban), the omnipotent patriarch of a mysterious island resort. The New Fantasy Island, reanimated with the help of series creator Aaron Spelling, features a cast of characters from which Tattoo is conspicuously absent. In his place is a busty and seductive ninja named Taboo, a sidekick for the 90's, acted convincingly by former High Society centerfold Candi Tung.

"We suspect that Herve may be somehow displeased that the new show has replaced the Tattoo character with Taboo," commented Barry Sonnenfeld, series Producer. "We sincerely regret any postmortem distress this may have caused Mr. Villechaize, and wish only to reach a mutually amicable solution at this critical stage of production. Personally, I have set aside two solid days to negotiate terms via Ouija Board." Sonnenfeld went on, "That said however, the Producers of The New Fantasy Island stand by our decision to infuse the series with the kind of T&A power that only Taboo can provide. On this point there can be no compromise. Should Herve be inflexible in his area, it is the formal intention of Universal Television to stop at nothing to drive this fucking midget straight back to hell!"

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